Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
