I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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