i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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