At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
