I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
It was confusing and full of hummus
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
