life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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