Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
