im six kinds of drunk right now
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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