in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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