So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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