The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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