The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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