dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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