this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
