im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
