i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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