With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
