Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
