Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
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