Who did Billy Mays play for?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
