He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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