Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
