That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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