I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
