Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
