if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
