I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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