my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
