i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
