She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
