My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
