Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
