did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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