vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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