i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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