Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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