Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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