got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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