I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Little spoons don't ask big questions
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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