she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Small penises have feelings too.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
