How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
ttyl tear gas
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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