some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
