That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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