had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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