when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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