Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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