I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
