I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
