He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
