I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
