I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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